What is the point of your marriage?
These are not the normal questions one thinks about in terms of marriage and judging its success. I'm speaking Thursday June 4th at 6:30 pm on the topic.
In my work with couples in relationships the majority of problems that arise in marriages are rooted in what I call, "The Myth Of The One".
Success in marriage is celebrated in longevity and love will last a lifetime if you just find....
If you can find the ONE person who will complete you, love, peace and happiness within marriage will last a lifetime.
The first issue with this myth is that you don't know all the people you will meet in this lifetime so there will ALWAYS be doubt if this is the ONE if if a better ONE is just around the corner.
This fear is compounded by those who do not make a commitment to one and feel a sense of longing that the previous one was the ONE the got away. No one will ever be able to replace that ONE.
Have you ever wondered why every movie and fairy tale ends in two ways. Someone dies, the ONE is gone or the couple gets married and lives "happily ever after", not that you actually get to watch the next 20 to 50 years together.
The problem with the myth of the one is that you give up control over your own happiness. You are responsible for your own development, growth and self actualization. Not your partner. It is much easier to blame them, than to take responsibility for yourself.
Nicole Deadone shook me to the core when she said, "In a right relationship, you should feel more free than if you were single."
Whoa, let that sink in. What happen to the old ball and chain? Making a commitment to one and excluding everyone else is supposed to be the antidote, not the disease.
The difference is really in how clearly you and your partner set a clear intention or purpose for your marriage.
The myth of the one says marriage creates, sexual satisfaction, successful kids, financial security, happiness, peace, and will shield you from bad things happening in the world.
Marriage does not create self-actualization any more than a mountain creates a climber. It is a journey to embark on, not a destination.
You may find the ONE person who can carry you up the mountain, provide for you and protect you from harm. But is that really the path to peace and happiness. What is the benefit to the ONE doing all the work?
There is a reason why guru's are not married, do not have kids, and live on an isolated mountain. Lìfe is hard and living in community and maintaining healthy relationships is crucial.
One difference between happy and unhappy marriages is the couple's ability to communicate and set clear intentions for their marriages. The first step is to let go of the myth of the one and focus on consciously creating your relationships.
Thursday night I will review 5 Alternative Types of Marriage that can lead to more happiness at Night School.