How can that be?
Millennials have the most liberal cultural tolerance to premarital sex, easy access to birth control and all the education they could want on Youtube. Now there are hookups, friends with benefits, and apps like Tinder that make finding a partner available 24/7 with almost unlimited choices.
So why are they having less sexual partners than the boomers before them? Emotional Intelligence can shed some light on the situation.
Flirting, winking, making eye contact, coming up with cheesy opening lines, the courtship dance begins. Numbers are exchanged. Chemistry builds and if it reaches the tipping point, the new couple leaves the bar together to start a relationship lasting hours.
The bar creates sense of urgency as there is closing time always looming overhead. The game ends at 2PM sharp, the music stops, the hard glaring lights come on everyone goes home.
At the beginning of the night the field of choices seems vast and standards are high. As the night wears on, choices decrease and alcohol lessons standards until either a connection is made or the night was written off as a bust.
If it was not good, that was it. It was forgotten. If it was good, the made a date and headed down the road to relationship. Knowing they had found someone good vs going back to the bar and starting the process over again.
The bar made for a good filter, it took time, effort to look good, and the investment in food and alcohol. There was external pressure to choose or go home, alone.
Now we have apps like Tinder that make the whole process more efficient. First let me defend Tinder as it gets a bad rap for judging purely on appears and maybe a slight blurb about the person. That is just how dating, desire and attraction work. First impressions open the door to more.
Tinder is a virtual bar that you can walk into in any spare moment from your phone. You only have to "get ready" once, snap a few photos and get to work. The rest of time you can be swiping left and right with no effort on your part.
Tinder never closes, its open, online 24/7. There is no pressure to choose as there is always another 100 matches to swipe thru each time you log on.
In fact there is so much choice, few people put much effort into the initial conversation after a match. Its simple, "hey", "busy?" "Want to chat?".
Tinder has another huge plus for woman, it removes the two main obstacles to woman enjoying casual sex, safety and slut-shaming. Perhaps not in a big city, but local communities and college campuses, everyone knows everyone so someone will see who you are talking too or go home with. Read the latest research here.
The "walk of shame" is so named because everyone sees everyone in disheveled party clothes early Saturday and Sunday morning walking home.
Tinder seems to be so much more efficient than a Bar, so why aren't Millennials having more sexual partners?
Its called, The Paradox of Choice
The experiment was conducted using jam. There was a display with 24 flavors and one with 6. The researchers measured attraction and sales.
The display with 24 flavors attracted more views, but fewer sales because people couldn't make up their mind (aka Tinder).
The display with 6 flavors attracted less people, but more purchased as the choice with simpler to make (aka The Bar).
So how does the paradox of choice affect relationships?
1. Too many options makes you less likely to choose something.
With out interconnected world, its not only sex that suffers. Less sex, less longer term relationships, and now over 50% of millennials are not getting married because they are looking for the One and there is always another one waiting in the wings!
2. When you have fewer choices, you'll go after what you want with gusto.
The new closing time is the biological clock. People are waiting until almost the last minute to chose to get married and become parents. Marriage is being pushed back until middle 30s.
3. Even though you love options, they make you second guess your choice.
This is the big one where coaching comes in. There is no ONE perfect person for you. There are thousands of people that you could design a marriage partnership around that would be fulfilling and sustaining. Instead of putting the focus on one and making one work, you can torment yourself second guessing, looking up ex's on Facebook and finding the grass is always greener to distract yourself from looking deeper into yourself and building intimacy with your partner.
The best way to do that is consciously focus on designing a marriage that works for you. There is no such thing as "traditional" marriage anymore. Now there are traits that make marriages work and hundreds of ways to make marriage not work.
If you want to figure out which one works best for you, click my calendar button below (next to my photo) and grab a time!